Funny Exam Answers (II)
June 11, 2007
Here again with some actual essay answers compiled from the UK examination system. It is believed that these were first collected and filed by a certain professor of a school in England and their collection has been growing ever since. Teachers have taken notice of it and they too enthusiastically submit their contributions which they feel it would be a good show of humour (and perhaps the result of some possible misguided delivery of education).
Questions and answers below are compiled from papers of varying subjects and range from elementary school to pre-university level.
Q. Name the four seasons. Salt, Pepper, Mustard, and Vinegar
Q. What is a turbine? Something an Arab wears on his head Good way to keep cool
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoe-ists. I agree with this kid as sheeps and canoe-ists would clog up the tap!
Q. Explain the process of ageing. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. That’s some fancy constipation.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. Premature death
Q. How can you delay the milk from turning sour? Keep it in the cow So true
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean? Benign is what you would be after you be eight
Q. (From a philosophy paper) What is courage? This is courage. It was a one-sentence answer for a 50 mark question.
Answers from History/Literature papers:
On the prolific teacher Socrates:-
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
On Roman history:-
- Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls the people Romans because they never stay at one place for very long.
- Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Wow, music kills.
On the famous archer William Tell:-
- Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on the son’s head.
On Queen Elizabeth:-
- Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen”. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah”.
On discoveries of the new world:-
- It was an age of invention and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure as he invented the cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 feet clipper.
On William Shakespeare:-
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday (good guess!). He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
On John Smith and the new world:-
- Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. the winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
On..everything from the Boston Tea Party to the discovery of electricity:-
- One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was for the British to put tacks on their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered eletricity by rubbing two cats backwards (huh??) and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
On gravity and Isaac Newton:-
- Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn when apples are falling off trees.
On Queen Victoria:-
- Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
On the agricultural revolution and the invention of the modern-day rapier for harvesting:-
- The 19th century was a time of great many thoughts an inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused the network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. A bad typo makes all the difference.
On Egyptian history and their mode of writing, the hieroglyphs:-
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
On Homer, the writer of Illiad:-
- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name. The “D’oh!” Homer?
On the Olympics:-
- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
On Julius Caesar:-
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus”. When Julius was stabbed by his aide Brutus, his last words were “Et tu, Brutus” which meant “You too, Brutus?” as during that time Julius discovered that many of his closest aides were plotting his downfall.
On the great composer, Ludwig Beethoven:-
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died of this.
On Christopher Columbus:-
- During Renaissance, history began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America whilst cursing about the Atlantic.
That’s all for now, folks. This is a tribute to those brave kids who heroically (and maybe unknowingly) sacrificed possible credits for humour. To be honest, I think it is answers like these that brings a smile to the teacher’s face.