How not to write a resume

May 26, 2007

It’s that time of the year again where the application for intern vacancies are open to final year med students. Suddenly for the first time in my life, I need to write a resume. I never had a job before this so this is going to be something which is quite new to me.

For a first-timer, there’s a lot of uncertainties about what to write and what not to write. And the formatting, ah that’s another thing we all newbies would develop a few wrinkles over.

I certainly couldn’t tell for sure which is the best way to write a resume or CV, but I think most of us could agree on how NOT to write one.

________________________________________________________________

RESUME

Dear Sir/Madam,

Attached below is my list of achievements over the past few years. Kindly consider me as a suitable candidate to fulfil the vacancy advertised, as my mother had always told me I am destined for great things.

EDUCATION

  • Awesome University (2003-2007)

    • Bachelor of Awesome Medicine/Bachelor of Awesome Surgery

    • Groomed as a superior doctor-in-training

    • Ability to administer medications while maintaining the superior cool of an extraordinary trainee

    • Active student leadership, led a 10-student strong campaign advocating the rights for Big Bird to actually fly on Sesame Street

  • Elite High School Of Great Things

    • Head of prefect board for 2 years consecutively

    • Voted “Most smart-looking prefect of the year”

    • Looks spanking brilliant in a suit and tie

    • Straight As student, no questions asked. My father, who’s the head of Parents-Teachers Association, could testify to this.

 EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES

  • Track & Field

    • Winner of the Best Smile on Field award

    • Enthusiastic and highly motivated athlete; holder of the most number of false starts in the 100 metres sprinting event

    • Proud title holder of “Most Photogenic Student” in spandex

    • Gold medal winner in the 2002 Elite School Sports in the high jump event

  • Arts & Languages

    • Winner of the “Best Debater” award; record holder of the longest speech ever clocking in at 35 minutes 29 seconds

      • Our team went ahead and won the championship

      • Opposing team conceded midway during my awe-inspiring speech

    • Director of the annual school play night, entitled “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

    • School representative for the nationwide “Long live Elton John” tribute forum

  • Personal Development

    • Author of self-published book entitled “Self-promotion for beginners”

    • President of the local Youth Leadership group – we aim to bring out the best in every youth that walks past our doors

    • Single-handedly printed and distributed 100 T-shirts to the underprivileged children in the local district as part of the “You’re a Star!” campaign

      • This campaign is to boost the children’s morale and motivate them to realise their dreams

      • My picture on their T-shirts would be a constant reminder of how you can achieve so much, yet remain so humble

and many many more…

With this application I hope that you would see me as the perfect candidate to be part of your elite institution. I hope to hear great news from you, as you would of great things from me.

Thank you very much. Kindly contact my secretary should you have any queries.

Mr. High-Achiever

 

________________________________________________________________

I hope that made an entertaining read!

 

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8 Responses to “How not to write a resume”

  1. drew said

    wow…didn’t know you have accomplished such an extensive list of achievements in your life, ‘boy’!!! well done…so proud of you =)

  2. Aw…it’s the school of awesomeness, no less ;P

  3. Q said

    Shouldnt you have written it all in 1337?

  4. Nah, that would just overwhelm them

  5. Q said

    Then they are not awesome enough for you right?No point wasting time with them

  6. Kwang said

    “Kindly contact my secretary should you have any queries.” – ROFL

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